How to Win Soldiers and Influence Armies
by Sword of Seals
Summary: The tactician is visited by an old friend and now he has to teach her to be a good tactician! nn I LIVE!
1. Prelude: A Friend and the Dragon's Gate

SoS: Well! After a year of absense, I'm back! Much to the dismay of some…

Erk: sobbing hysterically

SoS: ahem Yes. I got a weird burst of inspiration when I was teaching my friend how to play Fire Emblem.

Lucius: snickers She's not just a friend now, is she?

SoS: Shut up! And, I'd like to apologize to whoever was waiting for the update of A Rose. SorrySorrySorry! But, I'll make it up to you, I promise! Only a week left in school so, Summertime Updates! WHEE! Onwards with the story!

Canas: SoS does not own Fire Emblem. But he does own Yv-

SoS: muffles Canas Ehehe, on with the story now!

How to Win Soldiers andInfluence Armies

It was a nice quiet day in Eliwood's Elite. Or, at least as quiet as it can get in a battlefield…

"Die you little rats! AYAYAYA!"

Except for that it can never get normal with Karel around…

"I'm to sexy for my armor, too sexy for my armor, so sexy…"

Or Sain…

"Get away from my sister before I mutilate your ears!"

Or Raven…

"Umm, can somebody help me? Durandal got stuck in a tree trunk…"

Or… FORGET IT! ON WITH THE STUPID PLOT! ahem Anyways, it was a pretty routine day. A group of bandits who had been terrorizing a local village were being put down fairly easily. The tactician was soon taking roll call after the battle.

"…Dorcas, Bartre, Wil, Erk, Rebecca, and finally Karla. All present and accounted for?" Salrin looked about the group. It was common knowledge (except to Bartre) that Salrin wasn't his real name. But if anybody called him by his real name, or his hated nickname, he would personally skin them alive and throw their remains into the ocean. Well, everybody, except…

"SAAAUCE!" Came a high pitched squeal. Salrin winced at the sound, and realized who it was. The army smirked in anticipation of the person who just called him Sauce, because they were about to be horribly tortured.

"Yvette! What are _you_ doing here?" He asked and walked up to the girl. The rest of the people wondered what kind of cruel torture the poor girl was going to receive. To their surprise, Salrin hugged her tightly and smiled. "It's been too long…"

"Yeah! I know, that's why I came! And I have a great idea! Since I graduated tactician school and all…" She proudly showed off her diploma. Salrin inspected it and decided not to tell her about the label that said Binkey's Fake Diploma Corp.

"That's… great… I mean… Good Job! I'm proud of you!" He felt a sweatdrop. "So, how long can you stay? A day or two?"

"I came here to ask a favor of you."

"Sure? What do you need?"

"I need some tactician experience, and since you are the best tactician around…" at this, Salrin blushed. "…I was wondering if you could give me a few pointers?"

"Alright! Sounds pretty cool. We start tomorrow, first thing in the morning!"

"So you want me to come to you at noon? Gotcha." She said innocently as he raised an eyebrow. _I have a very bad feeling about this_…

"Ok, so, seeya later. Go ask Rebecca if she has room in her tent for you." He said and looked at his agenda for the day. Yvette looked around for someone who might be named Rebecca and shrugged at him sheepishly. Salrin rolled his eyes. "Here, here's a book with everybody in the army's picture and profile in it. Now, go find Rebecca." (A/N: Sorry Charlie! I copied your book idea XD) She smiled and ran off. Salrin chuckled and looked over the next piece of business when he realized half of the army was staring at him with wide open mouths. "What?"

The next day, Salrin had his troops up very early in the morning. Today was the day they were going to assault the Dragon's Gate for the second time, and he wanted them mentally and physically ready.

"Alright, as you all know…" He said, fixing his glasses. "…we are going to wage a final attack on Nergal, and this time, we are going to finish the job. Now, we don't know what kind of defense he has in there so expect anything. We did, however, take out most of his morphs in our last encounter, so I don't expect to be against such heavy numbers again. Now, instead of just charging blindly into the room, first the 3 lords, Athos, my apprentice tactician, and I will be going in. We will see what kind of defense Nergal has and then call for the ranks if necessary." This created a wave of murmuring with the soldiers. Marcus and Oswin roared with disapproval. Florina stood up.

"Hey! He got us this far, didn't he? And nobody's been killed. Salrin hasn't let us down yet, so why should we question him now? I'm sure there's a reason for this plan. So just pipe down and let the tactician speak!" She said and sat down quickly, surprised at herself. Everybody was quiet. Salrin mouthed a silent thanks to her and she blushed.

"Yes, there is a reason for this plan. This is because the people I have chosen all use Legendary Weapons. And if we meet Nergal face to face, I can't risk losing one of you to his dark magic. Understood? Good. Now, may I please have the people I chose follow me?" Athos and the three lords followed him to his tent. "Alright, now here's what we're going to do… wait, where's Yvette?" He looked around, not finding the girl.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you. Rebecca couldn't wake her up, so she's still sleeping" Lyn said. Salrin smacked his forehead.

"Elimine give me patience… I'll be right back" He said and stormed away. The three lords just looked at each other. A few minutes later, Salrin came back with a very sleepy looking Yvette.

"Whatr'ye doing? S'too early…" She said and yawned. "I was having a nice dream about eating a lime…" Hector and Lyn looked at each other and then at Yvette.

"Concentrate, Yvette. We have a battle to win. All right, are you guys ready?" The lords nodded. "Good. Now remember- Don't engage Nergal if he has help. Got it? Good. Now, lets go!" Salrin beckoned them to the ancient structure that couldn't have possibly be built by humans.

"Stand back everyone! This is my fight!" Eliwood said, waving Durandal around violently and hitting Lowen off of his horse. "…sorry…" Lyn and Hector just sighed and said that they weren't leaving. Apparently, Nergal had friends. He made morphs that looked just like some Black Fang members. Nergal called them his "Lil' Dollies" and ordered them to attack while he warped… somewhere. Salrin left Yvette in charge of taking care of the Dollie form of Marquess Laus and another Random Dollie General. Salrin gave her a few tips that she planned to remember.

"Remember, trap them into the hallway. Then attack them from a distance with your Long Range units and you should be fine." His words echoed in her head. He had left in her command Erk, Bartre, Dorcas, Louise and Serra.

"Right! Ok! Lets go! Umm… I got it! Louise, stand in front of that big armor guy so he can't move!" Louise looked at her horridly. Having a defense rating of only 11, she would get slaughtered in one hit if the Dollie Marquess Laus hit her.

"I recommend against this…" Erk said apprehensively.

"Pshh. Why not? Seems like a good plan to me!" Serra said.

"Yeah! And besides, Salrin told me to block the hallway so the Dollie can't escape!"

"_With Louise?"_ Erk was incredulous that the famed tactician could make such a stupid move.

"Well, he didn't exactly say to do it with Louise, but why not?"

"Tell me, what exactly does Louise have against that general! If she blocks that hallway, she can't attack it!" He said.

"Nu-uh, even though she can't attack the first one, she can beat up the second one!" Yvette stuck her tongue out at Erk.

"But what about the general in front? That thing could kill Louise in one hit!"

"That's where the axe boys come in! Axes beat lances, remember? So they attack from far away with Hand Axes! This plan is flawless!" She announced triumphantly.

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too Erky poo!"

"Is not you crackpot!"

"Is too Erky-pooloo!"

"Is not you… you… damn, you're good." Erk said, admitting defeat. Yvette smiled sweetly.

"Ok Louise, do your thing! Hey, axe-boys! Follow her, okies? If you need me, I'll be discussing facial products with Serra." She said and chatted away with Serra.

"You need your own Serra-Name! Everybody in the army has one! Since you like Limes so much, how about Lime?" Serra shrieked.

Erk, Dorcas, and Louise looked at each other and shrugged, deciding to put their faith in the tactician-in-training.

10 SECONDS LATER

Priscilla rushed over after hearing a distress call for a medic. She gasped when she saw Louise lying on the floor in a pool of blood with a General's Lance protruding from her neck.

"Hey, Erk, you better call Lord Pent…" Erk nodded. In a few seconds, Pent came over and collapsed to the floor.

"NOOOOOOOOOO! HOW COULD THIS BE! WHAT HAPPENED!"

"Well sir, it appears your wife is sick with a deadly disease. It's called the LanceStuckInTheNeck Syndrome." Erk said sarcastically

"NNNNOOOOOOHOOHOHOHO! ANYTHING BUT THAT! OH, WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN ME!"

Erk kept up his act. "Yeeeah!" He sobbed. "Why couldn't it have been you!" Pent then went with his wife away. Erk called over the tactician. "What's your plan now, oh brilliant one?"

"Shut it, Erk. Now that Louise is down, I guess I have no choice but to send Dorcas to block that general from escaping…"

"I suggest against that too…" Erk said.

"Why? Axes beats lance, remember?"

"Normally, yes, but right now he's equipped with an Swordslayer."

"Oh. Well, umm…"

"What is it?"

"What's a Swordslayer?"

Erk smacked his forehead. _I'll kill you for this, Salrin._ "It's a weapon that reverses the weapon triangle. So then, an axe beats a sword but it can be beaten by a lance."

"Oh. Well, why did he equip that?"

Dorcas then intervened. "Because of them." He pointed towards Dollie forms of Linus and Lloyd, who were heading towards them uncomfortably fast. Yvette gasped as they were surrounded by Dollie versions of Linus, Lloyd, Marquess Laus. And the random General. Then, her squad was beaten senseless.

LATER (A/N: I was tempted to say "Meanwhile, in Bikini Bottom…" XD)

"AAAH!"

"WHAT THE!"

"HELP!"

"I NEED A HEALER OF HERE!"

"OOWWW!"

"MY LEG!"

"MY SPLEEN!"

"MY HEAD!"

"WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?"

"NOOO!"

"…"

Salrin was confident his plan would work, so he immersed himself into his War Novels. He was so distracted he didn't notice Kent come up to him urgently.

"Umm, Sir Salrin? This is very important."

"Mm. Right. Go ahead." Salrin said, obviously not really paying attention.

"I, uhh, have news from the battle."

"Right. It went well?" He said not even laying his eyes on Kent.

"Well, it was…"

"Good. Good."

"But then disaster struck."

"Ah. It worked that well huh."

"Well, no sir. Well it was a chain reaction. First, Louise was hurt gravely, which forced Pent out of action. Then Ursula and Jerme, who Pent was supposed to get rid of, surprise attacked our Archers and forced them back. This freed Uhai's men- err, morphs- and he formed a crescent moon with the Generals, who Louise was supposed to help take care of and trapped our soldiers against the wall. Athos then came to help, but the magic users he was supposed to take care of joined up with Dollie versions of Linus and Lloyd and pushed them into a tight position with the entire army. So, in one swift move, the effectively made a circle and cut our army to pieces." Kent said in one breath and started panting.

"Oh. That's great, that's great. Tell the army I'm proud of them. You are free to go, Kent."

"But sir, don't you want a damage report?"

"Kent, there's no need to flatter me. Just go on and party with the rest of the group."

Kent, horribly confused, just left the tactician to his business. Meanwhile, Salrin stretched his legs a little and drank some of his Lime Juice. Then his eyes shot open as the full impact of what Kent said set in.

"**_WHAAAAAT!"_**

The army was a mess. Various body parts were broken, burn wounds, freeze wounds, dark magic wounds, cuts, slashes, etc. It was just bad. Salrin walked among the ranks of the defeated army and felt it was his fault. He went to Yvette's squad in particular.

"Listen guys, I am SO sorry. I should have known that Yvette couldn't handle the last battle yet. Forgive me?" He looked pleadingly at the heavily bandaged team. They looked at him with disgust in their eyes.

Later that day, Erk finally got healed and was looking for Yvette so he could kill her. He found her by the beach, staring at the sunset. Before he could say a word, she spoke.

"Gosh, Erk, I'm sorry I didn't listen to you…" Erk couldn't believe his ears. Was she_ apologizing _to him? "It's just… oh, I don't know… I'm a lousy tactician…" She said and she started sobbing. Erk didn't know what to do so he just let her cry into his chest.

"Well… I… D-don't worry, I'm sure Salrin is willing to help you through this… I'm sure he'll help…" He didn't want to hurt the girl more, so he just let her cry on and on.

To Be Continued…

SoS: laughing Hysterically Wow, I didn't even realize I created a perfect opportunity for Erk x Yvette until I was halfway done with that part! Woohoo!

Erk: …I can't believe you paired me up with your girlfriend…

SoS: still laughing It's just a fanfic, Erky. Oh yeah, if anybody wants to make a short appearance in this fanfic, then contact me. I don't check my email often enough anymore though, so AIM's your best bet. Or if you know me on Merlinus' Tent, you can find me there too. So, Tata! Viva la Erk x Yvette!

Erk: Oooh I'm going to get you…

SoS: Hehehe


	2. Lesson 1: Beware the Council!

SoS: Bet you didn't expect me to be back so soon. Hah!

Erk: A miracle!

SoS: Hehehehe. More insanity resumes! Ye be warned!

How to Win Soldiers and Influence Armies

Lesson 1

Salrin listened carefully at Erk and Yvette's plea for help. He smiled.

"So let me get this straight… you want me to turn her into a Master Tactician, in how much time?" He asked.

"Four weeks," Yvette said. At this Salrin looked at Erk, then back to Yvette and then started laughing hysterically. They looked at each other and shrugged while the tactician laughed his head off.

"…oh my god, I can't breathe…" He said, clutching his stomach. "…hehehe, ok. Just to let you know, it can't be done in that amount of time."

"Well then, how long will it take?"

"Depends on how quickly you pick up things."

"Ok… so how long did it take you?"

Salrin smiled. "I was actually among the fastest ever to become a Master Tactician. It took me… about 10 years…"

At this, Erk and Yvette bolted upright.

"_10 years! And you were one of the fastest!_" Erk exclaimed.

"Oh jeez… I don't think I can wait ten years for this…"

Salrin just chuckled. "Well, I can help you get through with it as quickly as possible. You see, I have a few connections around the Tactician's Guild and I guess I can get you some of the best teachers around…"

"Will it go any faster?"

"Well… no."

"Crap."

"But it will get you the best training around. That's the best I can do. Now, I have to visit the Tactician Council for some… business. And I can take you along too." He smiled.

"Meh, it's the best I can do. Let's go." She said disappointedly

"Can I come?" Erk asked.

"Sure. I guess I can't split you two lovers apart, now can I?" Salrin chuckled but immediately regretted it. At the same time, Erk and Yvette socked him in the face, giving him a bloody nose.

AT THE TACTICIAN'S COUNCIL

Erk and Yvette looked around with bug eyes at the futuristic Tactician's Guild. Everything was chrome and shiny. Salrin walked down the pathway as if it was his own house. They were greeted by person who was wearing strange-looking robes and had his head buried in a novel called _Dragonlance_. Salrin greeted him warmly.

"Chris! It's been far too long! And I like the robes." He said, smiling.

"Thanks. So, what are you doing here at the Tactician's Guild?"

"I have a request to the Council. When are you open?"

"Ahh, well, we're open now. We just finished debating a case of a tactician who got her cat stuck up a tree. Follow me please…" He said and beckoned them to follow. Salrin chuckled again and Erk and Yvette followed.

They were led through a long hallway filled with people walking around, looking important. After an eternity, they finally reached a large double door. Chris took out a key from his pocket and unlocked them and walked inside.

Yvette was scared. These people would decide whether or not she was to become a real tactician. Inside there was a cozy room with 11 people lounging about on large chairs, but four of chairs were empty. When they walked in, they immediately became alert. The person in the center took out a walking staff and leaned heavily on it, though he was very young. Then he spoke in an old, feeble voice.

"Come, Master Salrin has. Business, he brings. Speak, you will." He said and sat down. Yvette looked at Chris questioningly. He understood.

"That is Master Tactician Max. He founded the Tactician Council and fashioned it after the Jedi Council in Star Wars. He thinks he's the next Master Yoda." He whispered. Erk shushed them quickly. Salrin spoke next.

"Master Max, I request training for a young girl who aspires to be a tactician. I also request training from Tacticians from the Hall of Fame!" This sent a hubbub throughout the people on the council.

"Preposterous. The very thought of a Hall of Famer Teaching a trainee!" One of them said.

"I am afraid you have no choice." Salrin said coolly. "If you deny this girl training, I will be forced to put each and every one of you in a stranglehold until you reconsider."

Silence ensued.

"A vice-like grip, Master Salrin has." Max had stood up and was once again leaning heavily on his staff. He stroked his chin. "Very well, bring the girl before us."

Salrin smiled and pushed Yvette forward. The councilors took some time to survey the girl, making her shift uncomfortably.

"Shaking, you are. Scared, are you?"

"…No, I wish you would stop looking at me like that you perverts!"

Everyone was taken aback.

"See through you, we can." Max said. Yvette squeaked and covered her body.

"N-no, not like that, like we can sense your feelings," Chris said. Yvette blushed and muttered an apology.

"Ph34r is the path to the dark side!" Max said and pointed a crooked finger at her. All of the councilors suddenly groaned.

"Oh no… he's at it again…" Chris sighed.

"ph34r leads to anger!" Max's voice was getting a bit louder

"Master Max!"

"Anger leads to hate!"

"Master Max! Please!"

"Hate leads to suffering!"

"MASTER MAX!"

"I sense much ph34r in you!" Max concluded before finally listening to Chris.

"Master Max, there is no dark side in tactics…" He said.

"Oh. Ahem. Yes. My apologies. Carried away, I get." All of the councilors covered their faces in embarrassment. "Yes. The Council will decide the matter in private." Max said, trying to change the subject. Salrin ushered Erk and Yvette out.

"Well, that was weird." Erk said flatly. Salrin smiled when he noticed Yvette was shaking.

"There's no need to be scared, Yvette."

"It's not that… its just… DID YOU SEE THE WAY THOSE PERVERTS WERE LOOKING AT ME? OOH WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON THEM…" She exploded.

"Don't worry! Nothing will come between you and your training, I promise! And no matter what hardship, no matter what distractions, I will be by your side! This I prom… Ooh, bananas!" Salrin quickly strode over, ate a banana, and came back. "Like I was saying, nothing will stop me from being by your side!" Just then, another tactician came up to them.

"Salrin, is that you? Good. Anyways, I came up with the best plan we have yet! This time, instead of a Rabid Fangirl army to attack Etruria, we'll grab ourselves an army of Evil Demon Ducklings and attack Bern! They will never suspect it!" He finished with an evil laugh.

"Enem, I'm kind of busy- wait, did you say demon ducklings? Show me…" He stalked off with Enem while he told Salrin of the plan. Erk and Yvette just looked on confusedly. Chris exlained.

"That's Master Enem. He and Salrin have been planning to take over Elibe since, oh, kindergarten…"

"Oh…" Just then, a messenger came in telling them the council had made their decision. They went back in quickly, curious at what the council's answer would be.

Master Max was bending on his staff more than ever as he spoke.

"The Council of Tacticians has hereby granted thee, Yvette Ramirez, rights to be trained by Hall of Fame Tacticians. Chris, your first teacher will be. Now, free to go, you are." He said and he sat down. Yvette looked excitedly at Chris.

"You are a Hall of Fame tactician?"

"Well, yes, didn't you know that? Salrin is too."

"Wow… I, Yvette Ramirez, will promise to become a Hall of Fame Tactician in 10 years!" Then, the entire council was rolling on the floor laughing. Chris sweatdropped and pushed Yvette out of the room.

They were warped back to Elibe. Chris took a deep breath and looked behind at Erk.

"You know, you are a level 20/18 Sage, Erk, it wouldn't be fair for you to be with Yvette on this journey."

Erk was beside himself. "What? I'm not leaving her alone on this!" He squeezed her hand affectionately and she cuddled next to him.

"Nah, you don't have to leave, you just can't fight. Do you understand?" Chris said. Erk nodded. "Good! Now, for Yvette, we will start a new game." Chris started pushing buttons on his laptop. "We won't have Erk join your party, because that would be creepy to have two Erks around, both fighting over Yvette, And, here we go!"

Suddenly, they were transported to Pherae. But it just wasn't any other day. Lord Eliwood was leaving to look for his missing father. It was Chapter 1 of Eliwood's story.

Yvette was liking her new robes. Chris was standing beside her.

"Ok, Yvette, lets see what you can do. Do you know how to command troops?"

"I sure do! Watch! HEY ELIWOOD!" She shrieked. "GET ME SOME LEMONADE OVER HERE, PRONTO!" Eliwood yelped, and quickly got her lemonade. "Like that?"

"Er… not quite… Like asking somebody kill an enemy… Here, let me show you. Rebecca! Fire bow at Alpha sector 3.4.4.9 at Bandit Class C! Lowen! Follow up with a Sword slash at Gamma sector 6.2.8.7 also at Bandit Class C! Execute!"

"Yes sir!" Lowen and Rebecca said at the same time and slaughtered the first Bandit with an arrow and a sword stroke. Yvette didn't notice her mouth hanging wide open.

"Now you try."

"Umm… right… Eliwood, attack uh Class X Bandit umm order 9.1?" Eliwood looked at her suspiciously, but shrugged and attacked a tree. His sword got stuck in it and everybody watched as he struggled to get it out.

"…ok… maybe I came down a bit hard with the Tactics Lingo. You'll pick it up eventually. Ok, lets start at the very beginning. First, remember we are playing Eliwood's story. Can you remember that?"

Yvette shrugged. "Easy enough. Ok, I got it."

"Good, now who's story are we playing?"

"Ummm…. Karel's?"

"…there is no Karel's story…"

"Hold on, umm… Bartre's?"

"No…"

"Don't tell me, Don't tell me… Hector's?"

"Closer, but still no."

"Lyn's?"

"You're warm…"

"Florina's?"

"Cold…"

THREE HOURS LATER…

"Eliwoods?"

"FINALLY! Ok, each lord has it's own special weapon. Eliwood has a Rapier."

"What! He rapes people! Call the police!"

"No, that's the name of a sword! Ugh, this is going to be a long day…"

"Heehee…"

"Ok, weapons. There are Swords, Lances, Axes and Bows. Each has an Iron, Steel and Silver edition of each weapon…"

"Yeah, yeah, I know the basics."

"Good. Now tell Eliwood to kill that bandit over there."

"Why not Marcus?"

"He's an EXP hog."

"Oh… Ok… Eliwood, go kill that guy over there!"

Eliwood nodded, and gave one final heave and pulled the sword out of the tree. He then attacked the bandit.

"Oh shit, WAIT! TELL HIM TO STOP! THERE'S A MINE!" Chris yelled aloud. Yvette panicked and ran in front of Eliwood, on the spot where the mine was. "NO! YVETTE WATCH OUT!" Chris yelled and pushed her out of the way before getting caught in the explosion of the mine. He yelled in pain and felt his entire body numb over.

"No! Chris! Are you alright?" Yvette asked. Chris was crying.

"Aaah! I don't want to die! I'm too young!" he sobbed. Erk was over in a flash and healed him with Psychic.

"Chris! I healed you, you're fine now!" Erk said, but Chris couldn't hear him

"Noo! Why me! I'm too young to die!"

"Umm…Chris…"

"Aaah! I can see my life flash before my eyes!"

"Chris…"

"Not yet! I never told Angelina that I love her!"

"Chr- wait, what?"

"Erk… why aren't I dead yet! Why must I suffer?"

"Chris, you're not going to die."

"What?"

"I healed you"

"…Oh…"

"One question."

"Yeah?"

"Who's Angelina?" Erk smirked deviously. Chris blushed furiously.

"..umm.. give you 250 gold if you forget this ever happened…"

"Sold." Erk chuckled and Chris handed over the money. He smiled and counted his gold pieces.

"Ugh… why me… I have a feeling it's not over yet…"

TO BE CONTINUED.

SoS: Well, what did you think? Lots of humor, but only a little bit of romance, so sorry romance fans! Lots of humor next chapter when Charlie tries to teach Yvette! And REMEMBER, if you want to make an appearance, please contact me. Remember to review!

Reviews:

Random Dude: Thanks :D

Northernsword: Thanks for reviewing!

Nightmare3: BLOOD! Run! (Ducks for cover). Thanks for the review!

Mr. Charlie I'mtoolazytologin: Yeah! If Erk hurts her in any way, I will personally mutilate his nose!

Inferno-Hero: IT'S TACTICIAN MASTER MAX!

SoS: I told myself if I got 5 reviews, I would continue, and I got five. Woohoo! Bye everyone!


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